When I’d first gotten pregnant, I knew I was going to formula feed. I had been formula fed, and had never really seen, or knew anyone that had breast fed.
It wasn’t until my husband asked me if I wanted to breastfeed that I actually thought about it. I had a million questions, and I wasn’t sure where to start. At an early prenatal appointment I asked my Dr. about the pros and cons of breastfeeding, and let her know that I wasn’t decided on which method I wanted to choose. Though I was leaning toward formula, because It was all I knew.
She gave me the run down on the standard pros and cons that Dr.s do. More nutrients and better for the baby. Can burn more calories, and help mom lose weight after birth. And so on. In no way was I sold by this canned information.
Boob Talk
At work that next week, I was completely caught off guard when a coworker asked if I’d planned on breastfeeding. Again, I can’t highlight enough, my almost embarrassment to discuss the topic, as it was something so foreign to me. I let her know I hadn’t made a decision yet, and hoped to end the conversation there. Luckily for me, though I didn’t think tat the time, she was a certified lactation consultant, so boob talk was her jam.
She offered to give me a complete Breastfeeding 101 Course, to help me better understand all that came along with breastfeeding. It was the answer to all the questions I didn’t know how to ask. She even volunteered to come over after the baby was born to ‘show me’ how to get a good latch, make sure everything was going well, and check that baby and I were thriving.
Kind of Like Making Sourdough
I took her PDF and read through it several times over the weeks leading up to birth. I knew that I shouldn’t be ashamed to want to breastfeed, but it was still hard to tell people when they asked how I’d be feeding my baby. It was just another new thing I was going to have to learn during the pandemic, kind of like making sourdough…
I became more confident in my decision as the time neared to welcome Baby into this world, but was still nervous about how it may go. What if she didn’t latch. What if I didn’t have a good supply. What if I couldn’t figure out how to do it? I actually think I had more anxiety around breastfeeding that I did about the birthing process.
When Baby Ei arrived, it was hours before she wanted to eat. And I grew nervous that we wouldn’t be able to establish a connection for feeding with such a delay. But when she started to show signs of hunger, we had the on-call lactation specialist come to our room and assist with the first latch.
She showed me several ways to hold her while feeding, and assured me that it would take time and practice to get good at it. So practice we did. From the beginning, Baby Ei seemed to know what she was doing, more than I did.
I questioned the consultant about the quivering she was doing at my nipple, and she explained it was the baby’s way of encouraging the let down so she could feed. The first two days were challenging. Trying different positions, learning her hunger cues, trying to feed as often as possible, dry/cracked nipples, so many Dr. and nurses seeing my boobs. It was a long few days.
After several more visits with the lactation specialists, more often just to reassure myself that this was going to work, they sent me home with a packet of info and phone numbers to call if I had any questions or concerns at home.
I’m No Quitter
Being home was an adjustment. Without nurses and Dr.s to answer the simplest questions, we referenced google, A LOT. The next morning we had our first pediatric appointment, where the Dr. said he was concerned with her weight loss. Though common for breastfed babies, he wanted to see us back in 2 days, and if she wasn’t gaining weight we’d talk about supplementing with formula.
I was never a quitter, so hearing that I may have to supplement after all the effort I’d put into wanting to breastfeed, felt like I was failing. My poor husband had to pick up the pieces of my emotional, post birth, self, and reassure me that I was doing a great job. It was hard to believe then, but I’m so fortunate for his support. I had a sense of determination I’d only felt when in competition. I was going to do everything in my power to get this baby to gain an ounce by our next appointment.
I fed all day, all night, and all the time in between. As I look back, it was truly the best thing that could have happened for us on this journey, but it was also an exhaustion I’d never experienced before. I won’t say that it was perfect by any means, but we were getting the hang of it together. At the next appointment, she’d gained 1.5 ounces, and I almost cried with pride.
Months later, I think back to that memory, especially when I’m struggling, and smile. Knowing it will all be ok.
You Will Know Your Baby Best
There was a stretch from the hospital to about 1 month, where it was at least once per night that I’d have a full on melt down because she wasn’t eating. I expressed to the Dr. that she was too tired at night to eat, but he pressed that she needed to be fed ever 2-3 hours at night. We were blessed with a baby that enjoyed her nighttime sleep from the start, so waking her to feed her, proved to be a battle that neither of us wanted to continue.
Despite the pediatrician’s recommendations, we let her wake on her own to feed, and it was the greatest thing we’ve done as parents to date. She wakes up hungry, I feed her, she goes back to sleep. Repeat. Nighttime feedings have gone like this since then, and I wish all her feedings were that easy.
During the day I allow her to feed on demand. She eats when she’s hungry, and sometimes when she just needs to be comforted. Sometimes she’ll eat for 5 minutes, sometimes she’ll eat for 15 minutes. As a new-to-breastfeeding mom, I have no idea if she’s getting enough milk – and that drives me bonkers.
I Began Losing Myself
Breastfeeding has been so good for us, especially with the freedom of not having other obligations outside of the home. But as much as I feel accomplished and fulfilled, there is so much sacrifice and guilt that I’d never considered with breastfeeding. I am her sole support for life. What I eat, she eats. What I expose myself to, she takes in. It’s something I understood well during pregnancy, but now with breastfeeding, I began feeling confined in my own body. I was feeling like I didn’t have any freedom. From having to continue watching what went into my body, to not being able to be away from the baby for more than 1.5 hrs. It was taking a toll on my mental health, and sense of self.
We introduced the bottle, with expressed milk, around 5 weeks old. I had thought that I would pump, building a huge freezer stash like I saw other moms online do. Then if I wanted to enjoy a glass or two of wine, or leave the house for a few hours, she could just take a bottle. It went really well for several weeks. We felt so lucky to have a baby that adjusted to the bottle so well. Then 3 months hit… She began refusing the bottle with high pitched screams, pushing the nipple out of her mouth with her tongue, and getting so worked up she’d spit up.
I struggle even now with not being able to feel like I have freedom. The responsibility to be her meal ticket is just so much some days. I’m overwhelmed with guilt, for wishing she’d take a bottle just so I can not have to feed her just one time. Then in the same moment I feel so proud that she’s so comfortable with our connection that she wants me, not some bottle. I love the connection we have, and being able to soothe her at a moment’s notice. But the commitment feels so daunting some days.
I See You Mama
Whether breastfeeding came easily to you, or you continue to struggle daily, you are not alone! If you wish you couldn’t have a little freedom, and not have to be the sole means for nourishment every freaking feeding, you are not alone! If you love your little one more than you ever imagined you could, and you are so proud of yourself for pushing through, I see you!
